Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Please Search Me, Officer

As an author and speaker, I travel several times a year. Security is important to me when I fly, so I never bothered to feel too upset on those occassions when my luggage was rummaged by Transportation Security Administration. Besides, I found it entertaining. Perhaps Big Brother had run his fingers across my underwear, or snagged a quick splash of my cologne for his date at the end of his shift. Maybe he was perplexed by my eye-catching marijuana-themed t-shirts. Regardless, I could always count on him to deposit a friendly little slip of paper notifying me of his search, tucked between my stage props and issues of Cannabis Culture Magazine.

So I got to thinkin'... With all the greed, corruption and dirty war money currently corroding the American system, wouldn't it be possible for just one turncoat TSA official to secretly plant a kilo of cocaine in my suitcase, in order to "discover" it, so officials could haul me off to the slammer to serve a mandatory minimum sentence that dwarfs those meted out to some murderers? Granted, I suspect the vast majority of TSA employees are probably decent citizens who would never do such a thing. But what if I happened to get real unlucky? All it takes is one bad apple.

My solution to this potential snag is simple... When I travel by plane in the future, I will insist that TSA officials search my luggage, right in front of me, before I leave my bags in their tender loving care. If the officials ever appear perplexed by my requests, I will tell them I just want to be safe. After all, I trust Big Brother's hands in my Fruit of the Looms about as much as I trust a pervert with his paws down my pants.

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