Saturday, September 24, 2005

Six Flags Over Jesus

I surfed across an article about Holy Land Experience, a Christian theme park complete with Dead Sea Caves, rotating museum exhibits, and a scaled-down model Jerusalem (without the garbage and street urchins, or course).

From a capitalist perspective, the park sounds like a terrific source of revenue. But when I go to a theme park, I expect more - like ass-kicking rollercoasters, junk food, rigged carnival games, and at least one "tunnel of love" style ride where dating teenagers can "snuggle".

Hmmm. I hate the idea of exploiting spirituality for money. But if I built a Christian theme park, it would be much cooler...

Welcome to the Land of Milk and Honey! Step through the Pearly Gates, and the Train Bound for Glory will take you anywhere in the park!

Come ride The Crucifixion, where spinning wooden crosses swing high in the air while terrified kids cling to their nails for dear life.

Thrillseekers should hop aboard our Revelation Rapture-coaster, which will hurl you into the mouth of the dragon, through the bowels of hell, and down streets paved with gold.

After the apocalypse, you'll want to rest your feet and catch our special effects extravaganza, Day of Pentecost, complete with the world's only sing-in-tongues choir!

Need to cool off from the fire of the Holy Spirit? Share a ship with a live sheep on Noah's Ark log flume. Or get baptized by immersion as you part the Red Sea on Jonah's Whale splashdown!

Hungry? Kick back at Mary and Martha's Place with an Oral Roberts popsicle. Grab a kosher burger and a Billy Graham cracker at King David's Deli. Swig some communion wine at Loaves and Fishes Pub. Or bring your own manna and spread a picnic blanket in the Garden of Eden, where kids can pick apples and dodge real snakes.

In the mood for a scare? Hide from wolves in sheep's clothing at King Herod's Hell-House and ride a fishing boat through the Dead Sea! Those who are truly brave can fight for their lives in Daniel's Lion's Den!

Enjoy bowling? Come to Abortion Clinic Alleys and knock down child-murdering doctors with our patented bomb-balls. Strike!

Like the old classics? Step aboard the Robert Tilt-on-Whirl, climb on our Mother Mary-Go-Round, or ride the Pharoah's Wheel!

Bring kids? Drop your fully developed fetuses off at our Suffer the Children Plague-ground, where they can float in a basket on the Baby Moses riverboat ride, and catch locusts with butterfly nets!

Hate homosexuals? Don't miss our hi-tech reenactment of Sodom and Gomorrah, complete wax figures that melt in fire and brimstone!

Come meet the barking carneys manning the rip-off games in Jubilee Alley...

"Step right up and try your luck with Mary Magdalene! Three rocks for a dollar! He who is without sin goes first."

"Throw the noose on Judas and get your very own G.I. Jesus action figure, complete with long hair, crown of thorns, camouflage fatigues and M-16. Or step over to Golgotha, grab a blindfold and pin the nail on Jesus to win 30 pieces of silver!"

"Looks like we got a marksman here! Welcome to the Pat Robertson shooting gallery! Come fire a sniper rifle at international government officials!"

Finally, if all the excitement of the day has you feeling a little frisky, take your date on a raft ride through the Tunnel of Celibacy. Scenes of abortion, venereal diseases, teen pregnancy and hairy palms will cool you off faster than a piece of Salt-Peter Taffy!

Out-of-towners can doze amid barn animals, hurricane survivors and foodstamp recipients, in our No Room At The Inn petting zoo. Those needing to exit the park should have their forehead stamped with the number of the beast, for re-entry. Ash Wednesday is Save and Get Saved Day, where tickets are only $6.66!


Blogger The Baxter said...

i couldn't agree more! fuckin' funny. great blog!

7:17 PM  
Blogger Watchertoo said...

Wow! Some funny stuff, man. If you regard religions as just another way to control peoples' minds, they're all kinda funny, except for all the murder they do in their god's name. I know a clever turn of phrase when I see it. And you've got some chops! You can see my stuff @ view from the tiny Keep on writing, Ive got you bookmarked

7:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is awesome, man! I can't wait to get a copy of your book!

8:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Loved it! Especially the Robert Tilt-on-Wheel. Will be coming back for more.

9:01 PM  
Blogger Timothy said...

Huh... I pray that you'll discover the truth about who Jesus is.

4:13 PM  
Blogger defjef from the far left said...

timothy did you eat your jesus today? cuz ive drank my share, and your share

3:47 PM  

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