Sunday, September 18, 2005

Drug Free Employer? Urine the Right Place!

I sit in a Chinese restaurant in Denton called Mr. Chopstix (they've got some great vegetarian food). I've got no reading material, other than the Help Wanted section of the Dallas Morning News. I don't need a job. As a novelist, I work for myself. But I scan the page and run across a block ad that screams:

GREAT BENEFITS!
FUN ATMOSPHERE!
DRUG-FREE EMPLOYER!

I've gotta tell you, I wasn't too interested in the fun or benefits. But a drug free employer? Whoopie!!!!! Finally, I can work for an employer who doesn't use drugs!

Wait a minute... What if "drug free" actually means the employer is giving out free drugs? I'm calling the feds!

But seriously, I know what the ad really means. The bosses want me to drop my pants in front of complete strangers while control-freak pervs watch me take a pee, than fiddle around with my urine, to ensure (supposedly) that I'm not using the approximately ten drugs out of thousands that the government has outlawed (pleasing the drug cartellians immensely, I might add).

I'm tempted to march into the office of this "drug free employer" and demand the bosses empty their bladders in a vial to prove (purportedly) their claim of being drug free. After all, I shouldn't be forced to work for some "druggie", right? Because people who use illegal drugs are BAD, DANGEROUS, DECEPTIVE, CRIMINAL. Isn't that what the news anchors tell us?

Reality check: Drug-testing companies continue to reap profits by marketing products and services to corporate America, even though their tests can (and do) produce false-positives. When their products fail, they just pass the buck to the innocent victims of their negligence, the "testee". Which is good, since those unlucky testees will likely need all the bucks they can get, while waiting in the unemployment lines.

I drop the newspaper and chomp an egg roll. Hmmm... Perhaps I can sue this "drug free" employer for false advertising if one of their staff members ever receives a drug-positive result on a random urine test.

Nah! I'll just stay clean, so my urine will be worth more than platinum. Think about it - lots of illegal drug users will pay big bucks for my liquid gold...

1 Comments:

Blogger Joshua Dudley said...

witty commentary in a style similar to something that I myself might do. Therefore, I like it a lot.

7:14 PM  

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